Classic albums - John Lennon’s Imagine
John is on the ‘phone to Phil Spector
 
Phil - Hello, you’re through to Phil Spector’s Wall Of Sound, sorry I’m not at home...
 
John - Cut the bullshit, Philip. It’s me, John Lennon of The Beatles...Still not got an ansaphone, I see.
 
Phil - Well, gee John, I’d have to go to the mall you see, and you know how I feel about shopping. It means leaving the house and all.
 
John - Yeah, alright Phil. I haven’t got time for your sob stories - I’m a busy man. Anyway, Yoko’s waiting to use the ‘phone so I’ll have to be quick.
 
Yoko (in the background) - Hi Phil!!
 
Phil (to himself) - Jesus! (louder) Hello Yoko! How are you?
 
John - She’s fine, Phil. Just fine. For fuck’s sake, man, all I want I want to do is book the Wall Of Sound and it’s turning into Family Favourites or something. I’m a genius, for fuck’s sake - I don’t need this kind of bullshit, y’know?
 
Phil - Gee John, I’m sorry, man. I thought you’d got all that anger out of your system on your last album, anyway?
 
John - Who the fuck do you think I am, Phil? Gerry fucking Marsden? I was a millionaire by the time I was twenty five. How do you think it feels to have to live with that every day of your life? Do you have any fucking idea how hard my life has been?
 
Phil - Okay, man - cool it down, baby. Yeah?
 
John - Yeah...sorry, man. I’ve nearly finished the therapy, but it’s so hard, y’know?
 
Phil - I imagine it is, John. I really do.
 
John - Imagine?! What the fuck does that mean to me? I was in the fucking Beatles, Phil. I don’t have to imagine anything.
 
Phil - I know that, John. Sorry. (pause) What can I do for you? You mentioned The Wall Of Sound, yeah, baby?
 
John - Yeah, man...this is the deal, yeah? I’m sick and tired of working for short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocrites all hours of the day, y’know? So I’ve decided to cut the fucking ropes and record my next album at home. It’s not much of a place, really, but what do you expect on my wages? For fuck’s sake, Phil.
 
Phil - Sorry, baby.
 
John - Anyway, as small as the budget is, I’ve decided I want to hire The Wall Of Sound for a couple of weeks. To be perfectly honest, Phil, I won’t be able to afford to pay you for a few months, yeah? I still owe Janov a lot of bread for the Primal sessions, but Yoko reckons she can con some cat in The States into buying a sack of fucking acorns she found on the island. She’s a fucking genius, Phil. Not as much of a genius as I am, but she’s got it.
 
Phil - Yeah, baby. You can pay me any time you want to, John. You know how I love working with you. I’m just real sorry that Let It Be turned out the way it did.
 
John - Listen...Philip...You can not keep blaming yourself for that shitty little escapade. If anyone’s to blame, it’s Paul, and he fucking knows it, man. I don’t know how he sleeps at night.
 
Phil - If you say so, John. If you say so...
 
John - That’s enough of that crap, anyway. What do you say, Phil? I could really do with some good Karma, y’know? And you and The Wall Of Sound always get me right where it matters, yeah? Yoko’s just bought me this beautiful white piano an’ all, so it would be great to use that on some of the songs. The only thing is, with it being white it didn’t really fit in anywhere, so we’ve had the fucking decorators in. The whole pad stinks of fucking paint and shit. The front room’s all white now, but none of the other furniture matches, so we’ve had to clear the lot out, apart from those white shoe racks you bought us. Yoko’s still making me take my boots off before I go in the house, and when you see those mothers floating in the white room it freaks the fuck out of you, man.
 
Phil - Well, gee, John. I don’t know how to tell you this...
 
John - Just spit it out, man
 
Phil - Well...The thing is, John...The Wall Of Sound isn’t exactly functioning properly at the moment. You see...I had a little accident with one of my guns, and it got kind of damaged. I could bring maybe a few Bricks Of Sound with me, if that would be any good? Maybe keep the vibe similar to that last album we did? The plastic one?
 
John - Well, that’s not exactly what I wanted to hear you say, Philip, but if that’s all you’ve got, we’ll just have to make do, y’know? For fuck’s sake, man...what have I told you about those fucking guns, eh?
 
Yoko (shouting in the background) - Come on, John!! I really need to use the ‘phone, you know?
 
John - Oh Yoko! Listen, Phil...you heard her, yeah? I’m gonna have to split, man. I need the bog anyway. We had a fucking curry last night, and I feel like I’m crippled inside, y’know?
 
Yoko (snatching the ‘phone from John’s hand) - Listen, Phil... I really need to close the deal on these acorns, you know? John will call you back, okay? Bye...(she slams the ‘phone down)
 
Phil - Bye, Yoko...Bye, John